Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Healer of our every ill...

I am overwhelmed today...by purple.

For those of you who may not know, today is a special day of remembrance of those who have recently committed suicide as a result of bullying; specifically, bullying based on sexual orientation or perceived sexual orientation. To remember those beautiful human beings, those of us who are still around have decided to wear purple.

Are we not over this yet? Are we not over causing pain? Are we not over putting others down to feel better about ourselves?

Unfortunately, we are all still wounded. Every child that has been tormented and every bully who torments...is wounded. We are a hurt and hurtful people.

We draw lines. We place labels. We build walls. We protect "us" against "them." We build ourselves up while we put others down.

But, you see, this isn't just about sexual orientation....is it? We could say these things about racism, sexism, classism...other -isms?

We are a wounded world.

Today, PLTS celebrated the Festival of St. Luke - the great healer. Our preacher was Dr. Balch (who many of my classmates know as the professor of their "Paul" class). But today, we found out that he is wounded too...just like us. And he read to us this lament by Ann Weems:

How long will you watch, O God,
as your people huddle in death?
The whole world
is dressed in tears,
and I have joined
the procession of the bereaved
who walk daily in the death places.
We drown in the sea.
We bleed on the battlefield.
We lie stricken on sick beds.
We are judged in the courtrooms.
We are victims of crime.
We are homeless and hungry.
Is this not enough?

We are tormented by mental illness.
We are abandoned by loved ones.
We wait in unemployment lines.
We grow up on the streets.
We live with disabilities.
We are injured in accidents.
We are plagued by family problems.
We fight drug and alcohol abuse.
Have you not heard enough, O God?
We sit in police stations.
We watch our loved ones endure pain.
We are falsely accused.
We encounter prejudice and hate.
We are humiliated and abused.
We contend with unbearable stress and anxiety.
We weep by the grave.

We are your people, O Creator God!
We are the work of your hands.
Is there no more grace
for your troubled ones?
Will we continue
our unholy procession
around the pit
of living death?

There is no sun, no moon, no star.
We cannot see our way.
Have pity on your world, O God,
have pity on your weeping world!

We remember all the times
you lavished your grace
upon our heads
and into our hearts.
You gave us the gift of light,
and we walked with our heads up
in the procession of life.
Restore us, O God,
to your sanctuary.
Look upon us
and let your heart be moved
to break the bonds of the bereaved.
In this hope is our joy.
In that day we will run
to join the procession of life
and we will sing hymns of praise
for ever and ever
and ever
and ever!

There is healing that needs to take place for us all. And it starts in me, and in you. Heal yourself, and you'll heal others.

Monday, October 18, 2010

Be still, and know that I am God

But that is SO hard sometimes!

I am not a "still" person: I'm not good with inactivity and silence. I'm active and talk a lot.

Sure, there are times when I take a step back and take a break: I love a day in the sun at the beach or a nice bath at the end of a long week (or day!).

But, I don't know that there's ever really a time when I ever allow myself to be still. I'm always thinking about the next assignment, the next day, the next thought. Even if I'm not physically moving, my brain is walking me through my day, my week, my month, my year, my life!

I am overwhelmed by this lately. I am caught in between a place of really desiring that stillness, and having a hard time overcoming the thoughts that are in my head and the expectations that are on my day.

Sometimes, my activeness and ability to express myself have proven helpful and have produced wonderful things in my life: I think about my study abroad experience in college, my job at New Hope and my desire to follow my call into ministry and to do it in California. Those were all "right." They were/are all good things.

So, in some ways, I don't really want to stop being active: especially when it comes to achieving my dreams.

So, why do I feel so overwhelmed? Why does life seem so insurmountable sometimes?

Because life doesn't go as we prescribe it!

If I look back at those wonderful things I mentioned above, getting to those points wasn't easy and things weren't always wonderful while I was doing them: I was very homesick when I studied abroad, my job at New Hope was very demanding physically and emotionally and studying in California means leaving Massachusetts.

But, I look at them overall with such pride and happiness.

So, I'm certainly not calm, and I'm struggling sometimes to get through the days. But this line from Psalm 46 has been running through my mind - and every time it does, in that moment, for those brief seconds, I'm calm, I'm still, and I remember that God "is" - is in my life, is with me in that uneasiness, is working for me as I am working for God.

So, I'm going to try to be still and remember God's presence in my life.

Friday, October 8, 2010

What does it mean?

When I was first discerning my call to ministry, one of the things I struggled with was "what will people think when I say I want to be a pastor?"

Would my friends treat me differently?

Would my professors from Wheaton who encouraged me to think globally be disappointed?

Will people think I'm a Jesus freak?

After a little over a month here at seminary...I'm still not over this question.

It's not that I'm uncomfortable with my call or what I want to do - if anything, being here is reaffirming my decision daily. But, there's still this discomfort telling people that I want to be a pastor because I don't know what their perceptions of pastors are, I don't know their perceptions of the church...I don't know what they're going to think. And, it's not that I don't know what they're going to think of me - if anything, I've been really encouraged by people's reactions to ME becoming a pastor - it's more, I don't know what they think of that word: Pastor...Minister...Jesus freak.

So, perhaps in an attempt for some self-validation, here's my meager attempt to define that word...it's my definition, others might not define it this way...but here's how I see my call:

Healer: wounds that are physical as well as spiritual and emotional; and healing that is physical, spiritual and emotional as well.

Listener: to both God's call and how I'm meant to carry out that call, but also to people in my life who are calling me to be there for them.

Guide: my education will help me guide others on a journey of faith

Companion: my own journey will follow closely with those I'm leading and will look to those who are leading me

Learner: our relationship with God is an every growing, ever evolving thing that will require that I keep exploring and learning.

Advocate: for all of God's creation: seen and unseen, heard and unheard, breathing and providing the oxygen we breathe in.

Child of God: with all of the faults and blessings that come with it.

I guess in all of this, I've just thought that I'm going to be "me" but as a pastor. And, that's still partially true - but the more time I spend here, the more I realize that I'm being transformed - not into anything special or particularly holier than anything/one else: but, I'm being transformed into a deeper and broader "me." It feels great.