Healer of our every ill...

I am overwhelmed today...by purple.

For those of you who may not know, today is a special day of remembrance of those who have recently committed suicide as a result of bullying; specifically, bullying based on sexual orientation or perceived sexual orientation. To remember those beautiful human beings, those of us who are still around have decided to wear purple.

Are we not over this yet? Are we not over causing pain? Are we not over putting others down to feel better about ourselves?

Unfortunately, we are all still wounded. Every child that has been tormented and every bully who torments...is wounded. We are a hurt and hurtful people.

We draw lines. We place labels. We build walls. We protect "us" against "them." We build ourselves up while we put others down.

But, you see, this isn't just about sexual orientation....is it? We could say these things about racism, sexism, classism...other -isms?

We are a wounded world.

Today, PLTS celebrated the Festival of St. Luke - the great healer. Our preacher was Dr. Balch (who many of my classmates know as the professor of their "Paul" class). But today, we found out that he is wounded too...just like us. And he read to us this lament by Ann Weems:

How long will you watch, O God,

as your people huddle in death?

The whole world

is dressed in tears,

and I have joined

the procession of the bereaved

who walk daily in the death places.

We drown in the sea.

We bleed on the battlefield.

We lie stricken on sick beds.

We are judged in the courtrooms.

We are victims of crime.

We are homeless and hungry.

Is this not enough?

We are tormented by mental illness.

We are abandoned by loved ones.

We wait in unemployment lines.

We grow up on the streets.

We live with disabilities.

We are injured in accidents.

We are plagued by family problems.

We fight drug and alcohol abuse.

Have you not heard enough, O God?

We sit in police stations.

We watch our loved ones endure pain.

We are falsely accused.

We encounter prejudice and hate.

We are humiliated and abused.

We contend with unbearable stress and anxiety.

We weep by the grave.

We are your people, O Creator God!

We are the work of your hands.

Is there no more grace

for your troubled ones?

Will we continue

our unholy procession

around the pit

of living death?

There is no sun, no moon, no star.

We cannot see our way.

Have pity on your world, O God,

have pity on your weeping world!

We remember all the times

you lavished your grace

upon our heads

and into our hearts.

You gave us the gift of light,

and we walked with our heads up

in the procession of life.

Restore us, O God,

to your sanctuary.

Look upon us

and let your heart be moved

to break the bonds of the bereaved.

In this hope is our joy.

In that day we will run

to join the procession of life

and we will sing hymns of praise

for ever and ever

and ever

and ever!

There is healing that needs to take place for us all. And it starts in me, and in you. Heal yourself, and you'll heal others.

Be still, and know that I am God

But that is SO hard sometimes!

I am not a "still" person: I'm not good with inactivity and silence. I'm active and talk a lot.

Sure, there are times when I take a step back and take a break: I love a day in the sun at the beach or a nice bath at the end of a long week (or day!).

But, I don't know that there's ever really a time when I ever allow myself to be still. I'm always thinking about the next assignment, the next day, the next thought. Even if I'm not physically moving, my brain is walking me through my day, my week, my month, my year, my life!

I am overwhelmed by this lately. I am caught in between a place of really desiring that stillness, and having a hard time overcoming the thoughts that are in my head and the expectations that are on my day.

Sometimes, my activeness and ability to express myself have proven helpful and have produced wonderful things in my life: I think about my study abroad experience in college, my job at New Hope and my desire to follow my call into ministry and to do it in California. Those were all "right." They were/are all good things.

So, in some ways, I don't really want to stop being active: especially when it comes to achieving my dreams.

So, why do I feel so overwhelmed? Why does life seem so insurmountable sometimes?

Because life doesn't go as we prescribe it!

If I look back at those wonderful things I mentioned above, getting to those points wasn't easy and things weren't always wonderful while I was doing them: I was very homesick when I studied abroad, my job at New Hope was very demanding physically and emotionally and studying in California means leaving Massachusetts.

But, I look at them overall with such pride and happiness.

So, I'm certainly not calm, and I'm struggling sometimes to get through the days. But this line from Psalm 46 has been running through my mind - and every time it does, in that moment, for those brief seconds, I'm calm, I'm still, and I remember that God "is" - is in my life, is with me in that uneasiness, is working for me as I am working for God.

So, I'm going to try to be still and remember God's presence in my life.

What does it mean?

When I was first discerning my call to ministry, one of the things I struggled with was "what will people think when I say I want to be a pastor?"

Would my friends treat me differently?

Would my professors from Wheaton who encouraged me to think globally be disappointed?

Will people think I'm a Jesus freak?

After a little over a month here at seminary...I'm still not over this question.

It's not that I'm uncomfortable with my call or what I want to do - if anything, being here is reaffirming my decision daily. But, there's still this discomfort telling people that I want to be a pastor because I don't know what their perceptions of pastors are, I don't know their perceptions of the church...I don't know what they're going to think. And, it's not that I don't know what they're going to think of me - if anything, I've been really encouraged by people's reactions to ME becoming a pastor - it's more, I don't know what they think of that word: Pastor...Minister...Jesus freak.

So, perhaps in an attempt for some self-validation, here's my meager attempt to define that word...it's my definition, others might not define it this way...but here's how I see my call:

Healer: wounds that are physical as well as spiritual and emotional; and healing that is physical, spiritual and emotional as well.

Listener: to both God's call and how I'm meant to carry out that call, but also to people in my life who are calling me to be there for them.

Guide: my education will help me guide others on a journey of faith

Companion: my own journey will follow closely with those I'm leading and will look to those who are leading me

Learner: our relationship with God is an every growing, ever evolving thing that will require that I keep exploring and learning.

Advocate: for all of God's creation: seen and unseen, heard and unheard, breathing and providing the oxygen we breathe in.

Child of God: with all of the faults and blessings that come with it.

I guess in all of this, I've just thought that I'm going to be "me" but as a pastor. And, that's still partially true - but the more time I spend here, the more I realize that I'm being transformed - not into anything special or particularly holier than anything/one else: but, I'm being transformed into a deeper and broader "me." It feels great.

Be Who You Is...

"Be who you is, not who you ain't. Cause if you is who you ain't, then you ain't who you is." ~Pastor Jim Lobdell

This was the message of the sermon last week on campus - delivered by one of the most dynamic preachers I have seen so far here at PLTS. And it was accompanied by GOSPEL MUSIC! ....I was in heaven.

That message has continued to resonate with me this past week as I continue to reflect...get settled...discern my call...and plow through all my readings for my Old Testament class.

It was a whirlwind of emotions leaving Massachusetts at the end of August, and when I arrived in Berkeley, I hit the ground running (literally! I have tendinitis in my right foot!) with Orientation and then classes. Any baggage - both literal as well as emotional and spiritual - that I arrived with, hadn't really gotten "unpacked."

But, by about last week, I was starting to hit my stride. I was getting used to all of my classes (and their early start times) as well re-acquainting myself with large amounts of reading assignments, homework, and...oh yeah...dorm life!

One of the things that has amazed me, is how quickly I've found a home here on campus. The PLTS staff would love to read that statement because they make a big point of that being their goal for students. But, it's true.

I have made some truly wonderful friends! If these are the future leaders of the Lutheran Church....WATCH OUT WORLD! They are passionate, intelligent, funny and oh so loving. They come from so many different backgrounds and experiences - every time they open their mouths, I feel so blessed to be here with them.

I've found a spiritual home too. It has been refreshing to feel the same kind of support and encouragement here at PLTS as I get from all of the wonderful people at Immanuel. (By the way Immanuel friends, my quilt is on my desk chair, it enfolds me every time I sit to read, write papers or just check Facebook. So many of my friends have commented not only on its beauty, but on how cool it is that you all did that for me!)

And, I think the biggest part for me in finally feeling like I've got a grip on things is a complete affirmation of my call in being here. All of you have told me, from the time I was a child, that I would make a good pastor. But, every day when I'm here, I feel an intense passion for ministry, for God and for God's community. It's so powerful it's almost hard to describe.

"Be who you is, not who you ain't. Cause if you is who you ain't, then you ain't who you is."

He was talking to me!

And he reminded all of us that sometimes people are going to try to tell you to be who you "ain't." They're going to tell you to change your thoughts, your weight, your sexuality, your class, your....

But then he told this story:

"There once was a farmer who lived next to another farmer who had a mule that was just stellar. The farmer was jealous of this mule because his mule was lack luster (Ted, it lacked....luster). So, the farmer dug a big hole on his property and then grabbed a bag of oats and dropped them in a line, making a path from the mule to the hole. And the mule followed the oats trail all the way to the hole and fell in. The farmer grabbed his shovel and began shoveling the dirt on the mule...he was going to bury the mule alive. But, did you know that mules don't like having things on their backs? So, with every shovel of dirt that the farmer heaved onto the mule, the mule would just shake it off and stomp it down. The farmer kept shoveling and shoveling, and the mule kept shaking off the dirt, stomping on it and rising a little higher...shaking it off, stomping on it, and rising a little higher. Heaving the dirt. Shaking it off. Stomping on it. And, rising higher and higher and higher, until he was on level ground and KICKED that farmer!"

Life's going to throw dirt on our backs. People are going to try to convince you to be who you "ain't". But, as Pastor Jim said, we need to "shake it off, stomp on it, and rise a little higher."

Starting the Journey: A New Chapter

Greetings world!

For my family, friends and loved ones who wish to journey with me along this exciting path in my life, here is a blog which I will do my best to update regularly. If you have suggestions on things you'd like me to write about or other comments, please let me know, and I'll do my best to include them.

I find it somewhat ironic that I literally started this new chapter of my life with a journey....a 7-day journey that brought Paul, Phil and I across 17 states (MA, RI, CT, NY, NJ, PA, OH, IA, IL, WI, MN, SD, WY, MT, ID, OR, and CA), traveled over 4,200 miles and saw landscapes and wildlife that prior to this trek had only lived in movies, books and our imagination! (I'm going to try to figure out the best way to share pictures and will let you know soon).

We arrived in San Francisco on Saturday, August 28th and Paul and Phil flew out of SFO Sunday morning at 6am...I wish I had more time to spend with them here in the city, but hopefully it makes them want to come back to see more of where I'll be living (flying here of course!).

My orientation here at Pacific Lutheran Theological Seminary (PLTS) started Monday the 30th. I was introduced to 23 fellow first year students - some of them are transfers and Lutheran Year students, but many of them are first-year seminarians like myself. What an AMAZING group of people they are. It's an incredible feeling to be surrounded by people who have a similar passion and enthusiasm as you do - even though we're all different in many ways, we share something quite significant.

Orientation introduced us to our school, our curriculum and each other - and with each introduction I felt a stronger and stronger affirmation that this is where I'm meant to be.

Over the long weekend I spent some time in San Jose as well as here in Berkeley - I'm still not 100% used to the fact that I LIVE in California, but I'm sure I'll get there soon.

Classes started today. I just returned from Introduction to the Old Testament with Dr. Davidson....it was FANTASTIC (ask me again in a month!). My classes are: Intro to Old Testament, History of Christianity 1, Living Tradition (still not sure what that is), Intro to Greek, Reading Congregations, Intro to Pastoral Care and then we have Formations for Ministry meetings every 2 weeks as a way to check in with a faculty member and fellow students.

So it is for now, and I will be sure to update again soon. Please let me know if you want to hear about anything in particular - I'm happy to share this journey with all of you!

Peace